As I sit here I am crouched on the floor of the New Orleans airport. I have three hours to waste which is great, because I am very much looking forward to sitting at the bar and downing a Bloody Mary. However due to my own sense of messed up righteousness I must at least wait until 11am. So, I’m going to write. This makes me nervous because it has been a while. I am about to spill on here, which is a healthy binge for me, but all of you who have a subscription to this thing, sorry for the novel. Also, just so I can let it rest, keep in mind I am writing this on an iPad and am therefore exempt from all typo judgements. Insert “Sent From my iPad” here. Yay, thanks.
Good God this month, and year for that matter, has been a weird one. It has turned from 2013-2014. I have turned 26. I have celebrated a year dating anniversary with my former best friend. I am also celebrating my 7th month in New York City. I survived being unemployed for 4 months – 2 of them in New York. I have heard people tell me “no” for the last 7 months and my morale is still relatively high considering. I saw my first Broadway play. I went to Italy and despite the panic attack on the plane ride there, I made it and even made it back. Surprise. I got a job. For all it is worth, I got a small raise this month. I have learned to live away from my family which sucks and is difficult but rewarding in its own way. I have learned how to stay connected and when to cut ties.
Also, this weekend my grandmother passed away. This is why I am in New Orleans. I have a tribute to her I will post here. This month though particularly as I reflect, has felt like I’ve been hit by the wave we call life. I am more aware of it. I do feel older. I’ve learned so much in just this year. It wasn’t easy to come by, I’ve cried more this year than I believe I ever have — this includes happy tears and sad ones, anxious tears and mad ones… I truly just let them flow. I have pointlessly worried, now I realize that. I have learned how to cope with heart burn and indigestion. I’ve learned how to rock a bod that does not look like a magazine cover, and wear less makeup. I kind of have just learned to do whatever the hell I want. No, I’m kidding -sort of. There has been some of that, but not really. I’ve learned how to play this year, because for the last few years I had forgotten to keep that playful side of me. I’ve learned how to borrow money, and spend money. I’ve learned how to pay it back. I’ve learned how to be sober… I’ve been off adderall for six months, which deserves a blog post of its own. I’ve learned how to stop smoking.
Let me just tell you this time last year I was in Oklahoma City with a failing company, and lost sense of direction. I was parking in the church parking lot by my house and calling distant friends to cope with a breakup and new life options while drinking box wine and smoking cigarettes. I am not claiming my direction has improved all that much but at least I am somewhere else. This time last year I was terrified. Truly terrified of where my life was going.
Then, I developed a fear of just about everything when I moved to New York. It’s funny now, the way my legs almost would start shaking when I was riding on the elevator to the 44th floor of the place I was staying. I was like what happens when this thing drops? If i jump when it hits the ground will I live? I was scared of earthquakes, fires, terrorists, floods, robbers, carbon monoxide, you name it I wasted time thinking about it. Somehow my brain slipped into crazy survivor mode. I was so distracted by it I am surprised I didn’t get hit by a bus because I wasn’t paying attention crossing the street. But, however crazy it was… I moved to New York knowing about two people — making friends… losing friends… all of the above. I was here chasing a dream of writing, and a boy. Oh, I was also scared of tunnels, subways tracks, escalators… you name it. This is all new for me, because in the past I was fearless. Nothing mattered really enough for me to be scared. I had a naive grasp of life and became aware of it this year, and now I am coping with it. I see how truly fragile we all are. So that is really what the problem was. I worked through most of it… Still trying to get past this fear of flying… But baby steps. I feel string, even though it hurt a bit to get here. It’s like I jumped with a leap of faith, and now I’m landing.
The news of my grandmother really hit me hard. You think you are prepared for something but when a death happens, it just creates this hole you weren’t expecting. It’s hard to be sad… noone wants to be around you and vice versa. It’s hard to see your family sad and know you cant do anything about it. The only thing I could think of after I heard the news was about how short life is. The only reason we continue as race is because we keep passing the torch, but in the end we all start as dust, exist as dust, and end as dust. It’s sort of a troubling thought that could easily lead you to thinking nothing matters. But my patient, kind and wise boyfriend told me I was like eating a gourmet meal and concerning myself about when it was over instead of focusing on how it tastes. Thank God he said that. He is right. But it’s hard when you have so much you want to do. I want to solve world peace damnit. I am 26 and can barely find matching sox… How am I ever going to leave a verse. I haven’t even started with what I want to do. Well, I have sort of started, but I feel like other people already were more along in the process you now? I guess that is what everyone says.
That bring said, I have to think about the strides I have made this year and what I have learned. I have learned to call out my emotions for what they are, and how to manage feeling guilty or anxious for no reason at all. I’ve learned patience, and how to be in the moment. I’ve learned that to satisfy this huger I have for life and a career… That it won’t happen over night, and that I can’t really control where I end up. I would’ve never known that I would be in New York this time last year. If someone (a soothsayer obviously) would’ve told me that I was going to be here, I would’ve told them that liars go to hell. Okay, I probably just would have thought they were nuts and asked for my money back.
I am learning to trust this process. To forgive and to move on. I’m learning how to understand and sympathize. I’m learning how to not just give, but to accept. I’m learning how to float, and to only fight the stream of ordinary when it’s advantageous and not just for the hell of it.
I am extremely grateful for this year and for everyone who has gotten me through it. Thank you a million times. I am so lucky. Here is to another year, and more lessons :). Here is to new life and to this Bloody Mary I’m about to drink.